The Mythical and Magical "True Love"

With Valentine’s Day a few days behind us, I am taking the time to reflect on Love. You see, I am a divorced mother who is actively dating. I was married for over a decade, so the former "lovers" or "loves" that I had prior to my marriage seem to be distant memories of mixed emotions and blurred recollections. I always credit myself with having had at least two true loves though. Sadly, neither was my ex-husband. I've put him in another category now since we remain friends, and we collectively came to the realization that we probably had no business marrying each other in the first place. My ex now has an elevated role of best friend, companion, and our children’s father. My love for him is unconditional, yet it never crossed the threshold that would make me feel the kind of way that you see depicted in the most memorable romantic movies. Those where the two beautiful, star-crossed lovers are risking everything to be with their one true love. Cue the passionate kissing couple getting rained on...that scene is forever etched in my mind thanks to the movie The Notebook; another example is the iconic line bravely spoken by a closeted gay man from Brokeback Mountain: “I wish I knew how to quit you.” 

My first true love made me crazy with feelings of wanting to share my life and a lifetime with him. For two years while we were on-and-off dating, he was all I wanted, all I imagined my life being for, and I was willing to sacrifice almost anything to be with him. And sex with him was amazing. So when he died unexpectedly, I was devastated. I resolved that he was my one and only true love, and I held every other lover after him to this standard of an idealistic romantic love that my first true love unintended to define for me. I never thought in a million years that I would feel that kind of love again. And all those butterflies and tingly moments happened over twenty years ago.

After the botched marriage to my loving and caring rebound guy, I moseyed along with my life proudly displaying my tattered failed marriage scars with surprisingly well-adjusted kids in tow. Was I on a path looking for true love? Hell-to-the-NO. When I say "true love", I am defining it as this: a passionate love arrived at seemingly by chance, but often predestined, when two people open themselves up completely to the idea of authentically feeling every emotion, every fear, limitation, vulnerability, pleasure and wonder that's involved with loving someone so deeply and unconditionally that they are willing to sacrifice for each other and do whatever it takes to mesh their happiness. I met this kind of love--all 270 pounds of him--unexpectedly in a hardware store in the middle of nowhere. 

Like my first true love, I remember every gesture he made, what he had on, and how, on the day that we met, looking at him made me feel enchanted and expectant as if I somehow already knew him. Over a year into the rockiest intimate relationship of my life, I had never been so sexually fulfilled and so hooked on a man. He was like this drug that I had to have at least three times a week. We couldn’t get enough of each other. I was content with just thinking about how to make him happy all the days of our lives. I took surprising risks just to be with him. In fact, our serendipitous meeting would not have happened had I not taken a gamble to do something outside of what had become my normal routine. I was in that particular place at that prescribed moment in time, and we met because I dared to do something bold and courageous. It was like the Universe was determined to bring us together. Even in the beginning of our relationship, when I hesitated and wanted to haphazardly end it before it began, Fate brought us back together in a crowded supermarket on the other side of town. 

Sex with my second true love was very gratifying, and it gave me ecstasy and excitement over and over again. Our intimacy elevated me to a higher level in my understanding of love and relationships. Being with my second true love made me contemplate my life in a way that established purpose and truth. It was like we were designed for one another before we ever existed as man and woman, and as lovers, on this physical earth. The ebb and flow of our relationship challenged our conventional beliefs and behaviors to bring us closer together with more acceptance of one another’s shortcomings and superficial expectations. I loved him on a spiritual level that surpassed all logic and emotions that I had known and felt before he came along. His love awakened things in me that once lay dormant and starved of life; and I was more creative and more confident than I had ever been before. As our feelings took on a seemingly separate life of their own and grew into what I fondly call “Our Love,” I became obsessed with figuring out how this happened. How was it possible to have another true love come into my life? And all of this during my mid-life crisis?

I often think that the love my second true love and I created is separate from us but links us together in a bond that is indestructible… surely "Our Love" does not die, but lives forever to recreate itself, revitalized and blossoming for all Eternity. I think that love is a powerful force that creates worlds, and it alone can do things that confound the human mind. For the record I also loosely credit Jesus, the man that walked the Earth two thousand years ago, as being a "true love" of mine, as well as the coffee chain Starbucks. Kidding...not kidding. So for all intents and purposes my blogs will mention my two human male lovers as my Earthly true loves.

My second true love is someone who will always have a place in my heart as we share a "Ribbon in the Sky.". Yet, the timing for our union proved to be challenging and we have since parted ways; though I still have hope that Our Love will rediscover its life and bring us willingly back together to submit to It forever in this current lifetime. In the meantime, I am enjoying fun-loving relationships with interesting people who add to the lovely light and purpose of my love affair with Life.

What is this blog all about? And why love...and the other 4 letter word?

Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection. Lust is a very strong sexual desire. What if both love and lust are combined? You develop a deep affection and a very strong sexual desire for your partner and your partner shares your sentiment. The next logical step in the romance would be establishing a commitment. The love between you and your partner natural evolves to wanting to share your life together. Your commitment to one another's happiness solidifies your bond and further connects you to taking part in one another's interests, life goals, family plans, and career ambitions. When the emotions fueling this love hit you, you feel unstoppable...like the world exist solely to revolve around you and your partner's love. 

I am a romantic, so I’d like to believe that on the rare occasion some chosen few people get to experience a kind of exhilarating passionate love that seems endless and boundless. In this blog, I will explore modern ideas of love and lust in my attempt to understand more about this feeling of love and the emotion, a four letter word – love.